The Arborist: A Horror Novella by the Newly-Rebranded P.T. Phronk

You might notice something different about me. That’s right, I’ve got some new letters in front of my name. I’m now known as “P.T. Phronk” instead of just “Phronk.”

There are a few reasons for the change. Some book stores (like Apple) require a first name for the listing. It looks better on a cover than the awkward “by Phronk.” Plus, for every person intrigued by an unusual single-name author, there are two people who just think it looks wrong and ignore it. So yeah, I’m giving in to the man, but only by two letters.

More importantly, I have a new book out. The Arborist is about a man haunted by a tree. I’ve always lived in cities, but felt that human need to be close to nature, even if it’s just a tree in the back yard. This book explores that urge, and what happens if it’s amplified by a tree that appears in the middle of the night, and is growing far too fast to be an ordinary tree.

I’d say The Arborist falls into the genre of “quiet horror.” If I’ve done my job, you will feel the lurking terror even if you don’t quite see it directly.

I also designed and illustrated the cover myself this time:

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I’m no professional cover designer, but I like how it turned out.

Get The Arborist on Amazon here. It’ll be on other stores soon; links will go here.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what P.T. stand for: nothing. Or many things. Part Time? Permanent Tourist? Phineas Taylor? Playable Teaser? Pug Tits? Who cares.

News from Phronk and Leonard Delaney (The Dirty Cheater)

Phronk here. I’m hard at work on the sequel to Stars and Other Monsters, which, in case you’ve forgotten, is the latest novel in the vampires-and-dogs-and-celebrities genre. The second Other Monsters book is shaping up to take things in even more unclassifiable directions.

A cover reveal and title reveal are coming soon.

In the meantime, Leonard Delaney has been busy. His Minion erotica is now out as an enhanced standalone book, the fifth Digital Desires is an experiment that evolves as you read it, and he’s gotten into current event porn with satire on the ongoing Oregon occupation. A bunch of these are also in a new collection that I designed the cover and print interior for. It’s illustrated and retro and nice, so I’m pretty proud of it. Click below for each of these:

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He’s also been running around and cheating with other small presses. New Kink Books is embracing this new wave of bizarro erotica, and has just released Strange Sex 3, a collection featuring some of the greatest bizarro authors out there. Lenny’s story “The Office Photocopier Wants to Fuck Me” is one of his best ever, and included in the collection (as its tag line, in fact). I’m reading the other stories, and some of these are really fucked up, you guys.

Check it out:

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More news “coming” soon. Hah.

Stars and Other Monsters: New Hand-Crafted Artisanal Cover

Phronk’s debut novel, Stars and Other Monsters, has a new cover! It’s hand-illustrated by the wonderfully talented Keith Draws, who was a joy to work with, and will be back for the sequel (now in progress). I think this perfectly captures the pulpy feel of the book, with all its horrifically twisted classic movie tropes. stars for kindle small Get the newly covered Stars and Other Monsters on Amazon today. The new print version will be there any day now, and it will be available from other book stores early in the new year. Happy holidays!

Author Interview with Phronk

A nice interview with Phronk about horror, writing, and his fear of phones.

Judy Goodwin

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Two things on this busy Friday: I have a Countdown deal on my epic fantasy novel, Journey To Landaran, on Amazon today through Sunday and currently being featured on Indie Book Bargains: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IO7IXSC

 Indie Book Bargains

And second, I have horror writer Phronk, here to do an author interview! He’s hilarious, so please enjoy, and have a great weekend.

Thanks very much! My answers are below. For links, my web site at http://www.phronk.com and my Twitter profile at http://www.twitter.com/phronk are the best places to find me.

1.  So what got you writing in the first place?

I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. I’ve come across hand-written stories from when I was a little kid, and they were as bizarre and convoluted as the stories I write today. I guess I figured out early that when my brain fabricates a twisted collection of ideas, it’s better to rip it…

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New Short Story: Strangers at a Funeral by Phronk

Phronk here. My new short story, Strangers at a Funeral, is out now. It’s a young adult mystery with some horror sprinkled on top, and ties in with my novel, Stars and Other Monsters, if you know what to look for.

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Brandon notices them at his grandpa’s funeral first: a pair of men in sunglasses who nobody seems to know. They’re not family, they’re not friends, they’re just … there. No big deal, until they show up again at the next funeral. Drawn into a world of funeral selfies and burial crashers, Brandon needs to know what these strangers want from the dead.

Only problem is, nobody gives a crap except him, and his school frowns upon skipping classes to watch people get buried. His sanity can’t take many more funerals, and those bulges in the strangers’ coats probably aren’t concealing anything pleasant.

If you want a little taste of Phronk, buy it for 99 cents or less:

Strangers at a Funeral at Amazon.com

Strangers at a Funeral at Amazon.ca

For those who prefer real paper and sweaty meatspace to this cyber junk, and are in London Ontario (the titular Forest City), I’m working on some live appearances. Stay tuned for details.

Stars and Other Monsters by Phronk: OUT NOW, OMG!

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It’s out! The first full-length novel from Forest City Pulp, and Phronk’s first real novel, Stars and Other Monsters, is now available.

Buy it on Amazon here.

Here’s a blurb:

Stan Lightfoot is the perfect paparazzo. His dog, Bloody, can track down anybody, anywhere, which comes in handy whenever a celebrity involved in a juicy scandal tries to avoid public attention. He’s about to get the perfect picture—a real privacy-invading winner—when he runs into a vampire who ruins his life.

From the dark and vulgar mind of Phronk—author of Baboon Fart Story—splashes a neo-vampire trip through nightmare America, full of movie stars and other soulless creatures, mind-numbing romantic comedies, and a Wal-Mart in every town.

When the vampire reveals a celebrity crush of her own, Stan finds a way to keep her from eating him. Helping a murderous monster screw a movie star wasn’t exactly what Stan had in mind when he got into photography, but it’ll buy him a few days. Can he find a way to escape a creature with god-like power before she reaches her destination?

Probably not.

It’s simultaneously a tribute to and a parody of crappy vampire romance novels. Consider it urban fantasy smothered in blood and skewered with a stake of romance.

You’ve got two options: Kindle and print. Except the print option is actually a bonus-filled mega-option, because Kindle Matchbook is enabled. If you buy the print version, you get the Kindle version absolutely free. United States only, I think; sorry, people actually located in the Forest City.

Go buy Stars and Other Monsters today. It’s pretty good. You, of all people, would like it.

 

Stars and Other Monsters, by Phronk – Out June 13th

Our first full-length novel is Stars and Other Monsters by Phronk (me). It will be out on June 13th, initially for Kindle. Stare at the pretty cover below, then read more at FuckVampires.com, add it on Goodreads, and buy it on June 13th.

Stars and Other Monsters Cover V2 Medium

Book bloggers and other reviewers can request an early copy. Just send us a message.

The Long-Winded Tale of Baboon Fart Story

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Phronk here. I’m the newest addition to Forest City Pulp’s roster.

I didn’t think I’d be publishing anything with FCP any time soon. But then I saw this post on Chuck Wendig’s blog, where addressing the truism that self-publishing is the only real choice, he wrote:

This is true-ish, in that I can literally write the word “fart” 100,000 times and slap a cover of baboon urinating into his own mouth, then upload that cool motherfucker right to Amazon. Nobody would stop me. Whereas, at the Kept Gates, a dozen editors and agents would slap my Baboon Fart Story to the ground like an errant badminton birdie.

I couldn’t resist. Someone had to shove Baboon Fart Story out of the squishy moistness of thought experiment into the unyielding harshness of reality. It would say so much about both sides of the debate between self publishing and traditional publishing. It would make me LOL at pee-pee and farts. Maybe a few people would even pay attention to it.

I wasn’t prepared for the response. It breezed through Kindle Direct Publishing’s publication process, then when Chuck Wendig himself tweeted the Amazon link, it spread like a monkey-borne virus. People wrote reviews funnier than the book itself. They shared it with all their followers. They even started to buy it.

That puffed it into the charts. In its category – Books > Literature & Fiction > History & Criticism > Books & Reading > General – it went at least as high as #9.

That’s when people started to complain. Yes, there were people who, failing to read  “this is literally the word ‘fart’ 100 000 times” in the description, were disappointed in their purchase. Either that, or they took it as a personal attack on self-published authors (which it was not) and abused Amazon’s  system to report “a poor user experience while reading the book.” Those complaints buzzed through Amazon’s algorithms, and within about 12 hours of being published, it was taken down without notice.

I now have no way to access any of the Amazon metadata (e.g., the brilliant reviews), republish, or do anything to address the removal. Amazon support has stopped responding to my emails. Which is all fine for a joke book, and further adds to the discussion (and LOLs) it was meant to generate, but what if that was a book I put serious effort into? It can essentially be banned from the world’s largest bookstore just because a few people didn’t like it?

Luckily, the man who inspired it did like it. You can download Baboon Fart Story from Chuck Wendig’s site for an optional donation to help apes, butts, or stories.

I only made about 10 bucks off of the book, but the insane amount of attention it got during my 15 minutes of flatulent fame was as fun as a barrel of you-know-whats. It was bizarre to see some of my heroes, like John Scalzi and Charles Stross, write about it. Bestselling author Daniel Abraham called me “a master of modern Dadaism,” and may have been partially serious. The press even found the story interesting:

I’ll write more on what Baboon Fart Story means for self publishing *, and what I learned by “writing” it, over on my personal blog sometime soon. I just thought I’d introduce myself to Forest City Pulp by blasting out its most successful e-book so far.

If you liked Baboon Fart Story, you might also like the ridiculousness of FCP’s first release, Sex Boat: An Erotic Novella About Sex on a Boat, by Leonard Delaney. It’s erotica written by a virgin. You’re welcome.


* In case it’s not obvious, I still consider this self publishing. For now, Forest City Pulp is just a bunch of writers cross-promoting each other’s stuff; not exactly a “press.” Yet.