New Short Story: Strangers at a Funeral by Phronk

Phronk here. My new short story, Strangers at a Funeral, is out now. It’s a young adult mystery with some horror sprinkled on top, and ties in with my novel, Stars and Other Monsters, if you know what to look for.

Funeral Cover.001

Brandon notices them at his grandpa’s funeral first: a pair of men in sunglasses who nobody seems to know. They’re not family, they’re not friends, they’re just … there. No big deal, until they show up again at the next funeral. Drawn into a world of funeral selfies and burial crashers, Brandon needs to know what these strangers want from the dead.

Only problem is, nobody gives a crap except him, and his school frowns upon skipping classes to watch people get buried. His sanity can’t take many more funerals, and those bulges in the strangers’ coats probably aren’t concealing anything pleasant.

If you want a little taste of Phronk, buy it for 99 cents or less:

Strangers at a Funeral at Amazon.com

Strangers at a Funeral at Amazon.ca

For those who prefer real paper and sweaty meatspace to this cyber junk, and are in London Ontario (the titular Forest City), I’m working on some live appearances. Stay tuned for details.

Stars and Other Monsters by Phronk: OUT NOW, OMG!

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It’s out! The first full-length novel from Forest City Pulp, and Phronk’s first real novel, Stars and Other Monsters, is now available.

Buy it on Amazon here.

Here’s a blurb:

Stan Lightfoot is the perfect paparazzo. His dog, Bloody, can track down anybody, anywhere, which comes in handy whenever a celebrity involved in a juicy scandal tries to avoid public attention. He’s about to get the perfect picture—a real privacy-invading winner—when he runs into a vampire who ruins his life.

From the dark and vulgar mind of Phronk—author of Baboon Fart Story—splashes a neo-vampire trip through nightmare America, full of movie stars and other soulless creatures, mind-numbing romantic comedies, and a Wal-Mart in every town.

When the vampire reveals a celebrity crush of her own, Stan finds a way to keep her from eating him. Helping a murderous monster screw a movie star wasn’t exactly what Stan had in mind when he got into photography, but it’ll buy him a few days. Can he find a way to escape a creature with god-like power before she reaches her destination?

Probably not.

It’s simultaneously a tribute to and a parody of crappy vampire romance novels. Consider it urban fantasy smothered in blood and skewered with a stake of romance.

You’ve got two options: Kindle and print. Except the print option is actually a bonus-filled mega-option, because Kindle Matchbook is enabled. If you buy the print version, you get the Kindle version absolutely free. United States only, I think; sorry, people actually located in the Forest City.

Go buy Stars and Other Monsters today. It’s pretty good. You, of all people, would like it.

 

Stars and Other Monsters, by Phronk – Out June 13th

Our first full-length novel is Stars and Other Monsters by Phronk (me). It will be out on June 13th, initially for Kindle. Stare at the pretty cover below, then read more at FuckVampires.com, add it on Goodreads, and buy it on June 13th.

Stars and Other Monsters Cover V2 Medium

Book bloggers and other reviewers can request an early copy. Just send us a message.

The Long-Winded Tale of Baboon Fart Story

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Phronk here. I’m the newest addition to Forest City Pulp’s roster.

I didn’t think I’d be publishing anything with FCP any time soon. But then I saw this post on Chuck Wendig’s blog, where addressing the truism that self-publishing is the only real choice, he wrote:

This is true-ish, in that I can literally write the word “fart” 100,000 times and slap a cover of baboon urinating into his own mouth, then upload that cool motherfucker right to Amazon. Nobody would stop me. Whereas, at the Kept Gates, a dozen editors and agents would slap my Baboon Fart Story to the ground like an errant badminton birdie.

I couldn’t resist. Someone had to shove Baboon Fart Story out of the squishy moistness of thought experiment into the unyielding harshness of reality. It would say so much about both sides of the debate between self publishing and traditional publishing. It would make me LOL at pee-pee and farts. Maybe a few people would even pay attention to it.

I wasn’t prepared for the response. It breezed through Kindle Direct Publishing’s publication process, then when Chuck Wendig himself tweeted the Amazon link, it spread like a monkey-borne virus. People wrote reviews funnier than the book itself. They shared it with all their followers. They even started to buy it.

That puffed it into the charts. In its category – Books > Literature & Fiction > History & Criticism > Books & Reading > General – it went at least as high as #9.

That’s when people started to complain. Yes, there were people who, failing to read  “this is literally the word ‘fart’ 100 000 times” in the description, were disappointed in their purchase. Either that, or they took it as a personal attack on self-published authors (which it was not) and abused Amazon’s  system to report “a poor user experience while reading the book.” Those complaints buzzed through Amazon’s algorithms, and within about 12 hours of being published, it was taken down without notice.

I now have no way to access any of the Amazon metadata (e.g., the brilliant reviews), republish, or do anything to address the removal. Amazon support has stopped responding to my emails. Which is all fine for a joke book, and further adds to the discussion (and LOLs) it was meant to generate, but what if that was a book I put serious effort into? It can essentially be banned from the world’s largest bookstore just because a few people didn’t like it?

Luckily, the man who inspired it did like it. You can download Baboon Fart Story from Chuck Wendig’s site for an optional donation to help apes, butts, or stories.

I only made about 10 bucks off of the book, but the insane amount of attention it got during my 15 minutes of flatulent fame was as fun as a barrel of you-know-whats. It was bizarre to see some of my heroes, like John Scalzi and Charles Stross, write about it. Bestselling author Daniel Abraham called me “a master of modern Dadaism,” and may have been partially serious. The press even found the story interesting:

I’ll write more on what Baboon Fart Story means for self publishing *, and what I learned by “writing” it, over on my personal blog sometime soon. I just thought I’d introduce myself to Forest City Pulp by blasting out its most successful e-book so far.

If you liked Baboon Fart Story, you might also like the ridiculousness of FCP’s first release, Sex Boat: An Erotic Novella About Sex on a Boat, by Leonard Delaney. It’s erotica written by a virgin. You’re welcome.


* In case it’s not obvious, I still consider this self publishing. For now, Forest City Pulp is just a bunch of writers cross-promoting each other’s stuff; not exactly a “press.” Yet.

All Hands on Dick! Sex Boat: Now Available in Paperback

Our first release, the hilariously dirty Sex Boat by Leonard Delaney, is now available in paperback. FCP specializes in e-books, but we realize that some of you like your pulp a little more tactile. Buy Sex Boat here; it’s a shipload of fun.

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Sex Boat is the story of sexual adventures on the high seas from a writer who lives fart from the sea and has probably never had sex. Winston finds himself in a predicament when his fiancee ditches him hours before a cruise vacation. He’s stuck on the boat with a blue-eyed beauty who loves to get wet, a party girl with a dark side, and what’s that tentacle sticking out of the water? Just wait until you read the alarming final scene.

Buy Sex Boat: An Erotic Novella About Sex on a Boat, now in paperback, before we make another cheesy boat-related pun.

Sex Boat by Leonard Delaney: All Aboard

Sex Boat Cover.002Forest City Pulp is ecstatic to present its first novella: Sex Boat by Leonard Delaney. A parody of amateur erotica, Sex Boat features plenty of terribly explicit shenanigans from an author who has probably never seen a naked woman. Observe:

When Winston left for a tropical vacation on a boat, he did not expect to be alone. Yet here he is, on a boat, holding the diamond ring he intended to propose to Brooke with, while she’s been held back by her job. Lame. But things start to perk up when a party girl with a dark side and a blue-eyed bombshell with an ocean obsession both express sexual feelings about him. Winston has some choices to make about how to spend his vacation. Meanwhile, a mysterious force from the depths of the ocean has other plans for the boat.

Erotic, exhilarating, sexual, exciting, and mysterious, Sex Boat is a caper that will wiggle its way inside of you and make you reluctant to remove it. Just wait until you see the alarming finale.

This book is intended for super mature audiences.

Leonard Delaney is the pseudonymous alter-ego of one of Forest City Pulp’s founding authors, using a vivid imagination to overcome limited life experience. His unique blend of erotica, fantasy, and science fiction explores the lighter side of massacring good taste. Embark on a journey of sexual activity, on a boat.

Click here to buy Sex Boat: An Erotic Novella About Sex on a Boat (or here if you’re in Canada).

Welcome

Forest City Pulp is in its formative stages. Our first book will be out soon, and we will iterate quickly to balance the benefits of traditional publishing, self-publishing, and electronic publishing.  Stay tuned for frothy pulp goodness.

Posted in FCP